Studies shows that we lose half our friends every seven years. Now that’s a bummer, if there ever was one. But it also rings true.

Friends move. Friends change. Friends marry. Friends become friends with people we don’t like.

WE change. We discover new interests. We switch careers and move homes. We enter new social circles. And we find ourselves wanting or needing different things from our friends.

So how can you be with the hard reality of friendship loss, making sure that you’re protecting the friendships that matter most and going easier on yourself when friendships recede?

I recently discovered the work of Marisa Franco, a PhD expert on friendship (see resources below). Through her work – and my own experience with changing friendships – I’ve discovered several important ways to meet the shifting tides of friendship:

When it comes to conflict in friendships, step into it sooner. Most of us like to avoid conflict, especially when it comes to friends. We’d rather save the (hopefully) periodic arguments for family, work or spousal relationships. But when you sense that you are out of integrity with a friend, it’s better to step into the vulnerable place of addressing what feels wrong sooner rather than later. You need to trust that if the friendship matters to both people, it can handle an honest conversation from either party about where things aren’t feeling right. The challenge is simply to trust that you can survive the discomfort.
Exercise: Think about a relationship where you feel out of integrity … where you know you are not being honest or authentic about how you feel. What might you say or do to get back to a place that feels right with this person? Okay, now go ahead and give it a try.
Remember that friendships sometimes need clear agreements. Agreements are the backbone of all great relationships. At work, they define our roles. In love, they enable amazing partnerships to grow and thrive. But with friendships, we rarely think of the need for anchoring agreements. We want friendships to have an easy flow. Scrap that thinking, because when a friendship is feeling frustrating, an agreement is often all that is needed to prop things up. Sure, it might feel scary to suggest that a friend “agree” to show up on time, or schedule a regular call, or listen to you before interrupting. But often the process of getting clear on an agreement is just what a friendship needs to go deeper or get back on track.
Exercise: Thank about a friendship where you wish you had an agreement around a behavior or action. Now, go see if you can open up a conversation about it.
Get Comfortable with different friendships occupying different categories in your lives. All friendships are not created equal. You have your most intimate friends (probably only a few), your close friends (a few more), loose groups of friends, situational friends, and acquaintances. Each of these categories – and you may have others – adds richness to your life. But we have different expectations of and commitments to friends in different categories, and we need to be willing to be flexible and easeful about the way we and others show up. And we need to remember that friendships can, and will, shift from one category to another. Things can get tricky when friendships shift in importance or prominence, but if a friendship matters, you need to meet the challenge of allowing it to evolve and change as the two people evolve and change.
Acknowledge that the loss of or change in friendship status is painful. Whether a friend is pulling away or you are the one seeking distance, it can be really hard to experience a friendship diminishing or changing shape. And since we don’t typically give voice to the change, we experience what therapists call “ambiguous loss.” When you have a sense of this kind of loss, the first and most important step is simply to “name” it. Giving words to the experience makes it easier to begin healing, and can help you be more gentle with yourself. It’s also important to remember that our friendships help us define ourselves, so when a friendship changes, some part of our sense of identity is changing, and this takes time to normalize.
Be grateful for long term friendships, even if they shift and change over time: As much as you might hope for a friendship to remain how it was when it felt its richest, you know that’s impossible. So really honor your friendships that have enough staying power, enough meaningful DNA to last over a period of years. Revel in the shared experiences that helped make you who you are, and that can anchor you for moving forward. Even if that friendship has changed, you can tap into it periodically to connect with the really good stuff, historic or present.

I hope that some of these reflection on friendship resonate with you. Here are a few excellent resources to learn more.

Terrific interview with Marisa Franco on NPR’s Life Kit, discussing the science of making and keeping friendships, and deepening the bonds of our platonic relationships.
An exceptional piece that explores the fracturing of relationships in the context of our polarized society, and how to deal with the ambiguous loss of relationship changes that may result. In the Washington Post.
A clear and helpful discussion of friendship breakups; how they align with our attachment styles; and how to heal and move on. From On Your Mind Consulting.